Every human benefits from knowing what their limits are in relationships; it makes us feel respected and cared for.
Rarely do we take the time to establish boundaries in our lives, creating healthy guidelines on how others should treat us.
Don’t get caught in a cycle of unhealthy relationships, where your expectations aren’t met, and you are left feeling emotionally depleted.
Sadly, many people lack the skills to make healthy boundaries for themselves, according to psychologist and coach Dana Gionta, Ph.D.
Setting limits with others is challenging and often an uncomfortable experience for those who prefer to avoid any possible confrontation.
But there are some easy steps you can take to ease you into a pattern of healthy relationships, that are mutually beneficial and full of respectful exchange.
1. Identify limits
In order to let others know what your limits are, you have to be in tune with them yourself. Dr. Gionta reports to Psych Central that you must “identify your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual limits.”
Make note of what your expectations in a relationship are, what makes you feel uncomfortable, and what makes you find satisfaction.
Do you need to be asked about your emotions regularly, or do you like to be left alone some days?
Think about some of the relationships you are currently in, and write down when you feel stressed to clearly find where you need to draw the line in relationships.
2. Be aware of your feelings
When uncomfortable situations arise, we tend to try to push our emotions to the side so we don’t have to deal with stressful relationships.
This unhealthy pattern makes us lose sight of our limits, and can fester into a general feeling of discomfort and resentment, Gionta warns.
When these emotions arise, question what is going on in the relationship. Are you operating outside your limits because you want to please the other party, or are you adopting the expectations of the other party?
Try to think of how you feel, identify the emotions, and set your own boundaries apart from what other people expect from you.
3. Be assertive
We tend to keep unpleasant feelings to ourselves, for fear that we are going to offend the other party, or make the situation worse.
If letting someone know what your boundaries are causes them to act out of spite, or creates more conflict in the relationship, then it wasn’t one founded on mutual love and respect.
These relationships should be reevaluated after limits are set to see if they are adding to your quality of life.
A relationship should be a two-way street, where both parties are respected and considered.
Letting the other party in a relationship know what your boundaries are may cause them to feel defensive, but that can’t stop us from establishing healthy limits.
Being assertive doesn’t have to be done in a rude or confrontational way. Respectfully let the other party know that in order to have a deeper, genuine, and more intimate relationship you need to set some boundaries.
Let them know that different personalities have different needs, and your boundaries are just what is necessary for you to feel respected and healthy.
4. Allow your needs to take priority
You have heard it said that you can’t take care of others without first taking care of yourself, and there is a lot of truth in that.
Constantly putting others’ needs above your own will leave you feeling drained and taken advantage of.
Feeling guilty for allowing your expectations in a relationship to take precedent is common, but you must give yourself permission to do what will keep you emotionally and psychologically strong.
When you do, everyone around you will benefit from your overall better sense of self, and healthy relationships.
If you are stuck in a trend of unhealthy boundaries, seek support from close friends, family, or a professional.
Start small with an easy boundary to set, like you would prefer to only talk on the phone in the mornings so it doesn’t interfere with family time in the evenings.
As you continue to set more challenging boundaries, you will see your relationships blossom into more respectful and satisfying exchanges.
Please let us know in the comments section if you have been stuck in an unhealthy relationship, and what boundary you think would enhance the relationship.